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Friday, February 8, 2013

14 years ago....

So glad to see the weekend come.. the events of this week have caught up with me emotionally and physically. It has been a mighty battle to get dressed and make it to work the past two days. Still trying to get used to the absence of Sheila...very difficult. My soul is sad.  I suppose I should go back with a little history on my journey with Fibro and Fatigue. I'm sure it will differ very little from most other Fibro sufferers  stories. I was a healthy active person until January of 1999 and 40 years of age when one day I woke to a strange soreness/pain on each side of my upper hip region. Soon the pain was migrating to other areas of my body. I got the true influenza in late February '99 and a relapse case two weeks later. I spent the entire month of March on the couch. My life as I knew it ended at that time. The fatigue hit me like a brick wall. Pain was secondary to the fatigue and in my case and still is. So began the process of  going doctor to doctor and being treated like a moron and hysteric. Finally in late 2000 a rheumatologist gave me the diagnosis and the grim reality of "no cure or treatment ... just mange the symptoms". Fortunately, at that time I was married and was not working so I had some time to start to adjust to the life changing illness I was dealing with. I have read many opinions of why you get this. I fit all all the possibilities: viral infections(Epstein Barr high active titers on every blood test),some type of illness(viral) while visiting the Mid East in 1997, trauma (rollover MVA 1998), history of anxiety and depression. So, who knows? Really doesn't matter, does it? Anyway, tried all the meds, no reason to list them, you know the ones. No help, just swelled me up and made me more miserable. Neuronton did something to my thought processes that has never corrected itself.  I took low doses of it for about 3 months and it made me someone I didn't know or like. I'd forget where I was and would  have to pull my car to the side of the road and try to retrace my steps and thoughts on where I was going.  Due to finances  and a great job opportunity in 2001 I re-entered the work force in an administrative role and it almost took me down the first two years. I have learned to manage a full time job and this freaking chronic illness and continue to work at this point. But I have days(most days) that I don't know if I can keep doing it.. I am very fortunate to have the ability to sit the majority of the day and work at my own pace. If I had a job that I had to be physically productive or stand/walk eight hours I would have to stop working and try to file for disability.  My marriage ended after 25 years and I'm the woman/man of the house now... so staying home is not an option unless I file for disability, sell my house and downsize to a little apartment. That does not work well for me due to my family of animals. Anyway, I digress. This life sucks, as you know if you are also in this growing sisterhood ( and some brothers)you do the best you can hour to hour and day to day. Your old life is dead and gone. But if you are like me you continue to attempt resuscitation occasionally. If you have that one good day, you inevitably over do it  and then crash like a runaway train. I'm not telling anyone anything new... I have no words of wisdom or encouragement. I'm out of the denial and "oh this surely will end some day" phase and have accepted the condition. I have accepted my limitations. I say "no" a lot, or I did. No one asks me to do anything anymore, they know my answer already. I have been single for six years and do not date or have any interest in another relationship. I'm already in a toxic relationship with the most controlling, abusive and isolating partner a gal could have: Fibromyalgia and Chronic Fatigue. I wish i could get another divorce.....