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Saturday, February 21, 2015

AS SEEN ON TV or There's a sucker born every minute

Everyone has their Achilles Heel... mine  is buying the silliest things possible off of the TV infomercials or from specialty magazines .  I cannot imagine how many items I have purchased in the last 25 years or so. I thought it would be fun to share some of them and my experiences with the gadgets. Few are awesome , most are junk and some are just ludicrous.
 I remember the first advertising that lured me in was when I was a young child. Back then I searched the back pages of  True Story  for amazing ad purchases , such as x-ray glasses.  The picture was a kid with big black glasses with swirling circles as lens. I so wanted to see the bones of my friends and family. But the real desire was for the exotic Sea Monkeys... Never had such creatures been sighted on Tunis Creek.


My yearning for Sea Monkeys continued until my cousin Pat went to New York City on her senior trip and brought me back a pack.  Mom got me a mason jar of water and we followed the directions carefully. Each morning I would get up and check the jar. It was beginning to get smelly and once I thought I saw a wormy looking creature. Each day I searched for the little family pictured on the box.  After many tears and a tantrum, my mom threw out the stagnant mess and I felt a terrible guilt that my Sea Monkeys failed to thrive.

As the years passed the fitness craze began in the 80's. Soon I was watching this guy scream and tell me how badly I need this:


While I am on the subject of exercise equipment, I might as well show you the gallery . If you can sit, bounce, roll or push/pull it, I have tried it. Here are some of the highlights:


The Fluidity Bar...absolutely in the top 5 most ridiculous purchases of my life. I had insomnia and a credit card. Not a good combo at 3 a.m. It was only 4 easy payments and it should have changed my life, instead it looked like this:


I tried to put my leg up on the bar once, screamed in pain from my sciatic  and had to use this previous purchase:




Of all the exercise and health related purchases I have , I must say the best  and the one I use the most is the Crazy Fitness Vibrating Machine. 

I figured if it was good enough for astronauts in training, I certainly would give it a whirl or a shake in this situation. When it was delivered and left on the porch I could barely lift one side of the box at a time. I was thankful I had purchased these:

Back to the whole body vibration therapy, it is very effective when I use it regularly. As with most things that actually help, I quit.  I need to get back to using it. All you have to do is stand for 10 minutes at a time, easier said than done for someone with dysautonomia.  One thing that is hilarious is that the machine is made in China and has some instructions imprinted on the control panel on the hand hold area. Here is the actual picture of the instructions:


          I swear this is a photo of the actual instructions... sometimes the humor gods just smile on you. In addition to the above items, I currently have a Pilates Performer (QVC), Recumbent Bike (Overstock) and this fan favorite:





 Now for the low end items from As Seen On TV- Let's begin with Health and Beauty. As most women, I constantly look for the latest and greatest for your hair. Here are some purchases:

Bumpits- To give your hair that full and bouncy look:




How I actually looked:






Hot Buns: 


Reality, not so hot:



Sometimes the name of an item can make or break the invention. The epic fail award :



 For those of us who really hate bending over to wash our feet:

Epic Fail:  If you think hair clings to the drain wait till you see these nasty things after a few showers.

For when it is hitting the fan, may I suggest :


And if you need Shittens,  first you will need:



I really don't enjoy shopping. I know that sounds unbelievable given the nature of this blog. But I  hate to shop. I wear the same clothes until they eventually come back in style. I hate shoes in general. I have three purses to my name and they are not designer. I do my very limited Christmas shopping online and I haven't been to a shopping mall in probably 10 years. But I can't resist the impulse buys at Walgreens. I am beginning to wonder if they are affiliated with the Devil. It was the same way when I use to go to Sam's Club over 20 years ago. I would go to "save money" and leave with a rolling cart full of items over $300 every time. I swear I think these places play some kind of subliminal message in the Muzak. Maybe they use this guy:
TRUST IN ME, ONLY ME........


You turn into a robotic idiot that must have that 32 oz can of Tuna.
I knew I was really in trouble when I walked down an isle in Walgreens and I activated a motion sensor that began the following recorded message, " Are you tired of lugging out that heavy pressure washer every time you need to clean a small area?"  I recall staring at the video and  answering  "Yes, I am".  Soon I left the store with my blood pressure meds and this:





and on the subject of hoses, doesn't everyone need to always have a hose in their pocket?
I think so:
Is that a hose in your pocket or are you just glad to see me?





Anytime I can buy something with lights I am especially giddy, for example:




And my all time personal favorite:

Also these are pretty cool:



Kinda reminds me of this poor black child raised in the south, Neven Johnson's invention:

The Opti-Grab Glasses





Here are a few Pet purchases over the years:


No they don't, they pee where ever they damn well please.


Just lean a commode brush up against the wall.....same thing


May I suggest a paper bag or an empty box.....



 I just spent several hundred dollars on doggie dental care...I haven't been to the dentist in 2 years.


Now for some of the lovely clothing attire you can't live without:


Soon you will be:


And If you are alone you can take yourself on a picnic:


And if it is "All about that Bass":


Just make sure you don't POP too much and have this tragedy happen to you:

Check your crack and check it often..Wilford Brimley
              As for the Home and Garden purchases, there are so many I couldn't post them all.You name it, I    probably have it or have sent it to the dumpster. 

I have put myself on a strict budget and I am doing better on the impulse buying . No I'm not, that's a lie.
 My latest purchase is this:
Retro phone receiver



Actually , I love these. I got one for my car, office and home. It suppose to block 99% of radiation from the cell phone and your face doesn't get hot. It's much easier to hold and I don't get a crick in my neck which requires me to wear this purchase:


In closing, I must tell you about possibly the most outrageous purchase of the past few months. EBay, Amazon and Nomorerack are not my friends. The long nights of winter find me searching away for anything and everything.  One evening on EBay I saw something I have always wanted...now it would have been much better had I purchased them 40 pounds and 40 years earlier. Clogging shoes...



I also found this:





Eagerly I waited for the weekend so I could gear up and have my first lesson. I set my Nitro's out just in case and had my cell phone nearby and the door was unlocked in case first responders needed to make entry.
I also had a captive audience as I DANCED LIKE NO ONE WAS WATCHING.. but they were:


Soon, very soon, I realized this was a mistake of monumental proportions... my sciatica screamed in horror as did my ruptured disc. My face was red as a beet and my heart was throbbing in my eyeballs. The Orange Blossom Special spun on an old  33 vinyl and I made my way to the recliner. I lasted less than 5 minutes. 
The next day I could barely get out of bed. Finally, after being on 2 heating pads for a few hours, I was able to get down to the floor to use this purchase from Hammacher Schlemmer:

 It is wonderful, you lay and use a ratchet on the side to pull your vertebra apart to ease the pain. I must give it a big thumbs up. It is the same principle as the hanging inversion table but without the risk of being found hanging unconscious  like Grandpa on the Munsters. 
So as I sit here this evening comfortably on my:

and wearing my :


      I will dream of spring days so that I can plant my: