Tuesday, February 26, 2013
Tuesday, February 19, 2013
Thursday, February 14, 2013
Happy VD everyone.... How am I celebrating this most glorious of days? I'm on my heating pad, in flannel PJ's eating ice cream from the container. Once again watching the pilot episode of The Walking Dead in black and white on AMC, and you know what? It does not suck. One thing is for sure, if a half naked man with a bow and arrow approaches me on Valentines Day, or any day for that matter, it damn well better be Daryl Dixon... am I right ladies?
Wednesday, February 13, 2013
Saturday, February 9, 2013
Friday, February 8, 2013
So glad to see the weekend come.. the events of this week have caught up with me emotionally and physically. It has been a mighty battle to get dressed and make it to work the past two days. Still trying to get used to the absence of Sheila...very difficult. My soul is sad. I suppose I should go back with a little history on my journey with Fibro and Fatigue. I'm sure it will differ very little from most other Fibro sufferers stories. I was a healthy active person until January of 1999 and 40 years of age when one day I woke to a strange soreness/pain on each side of my upper hip region. Soon the pain was migrating to other areas of my body. I got the true influenza in late February '99 and a relapse case two weeks later. I spent the entire month of March on the couch. My life as I knew it ended at that time. The fatigue hit me like a brick wall. Pain was secondary to the fatigue and in my case and still is. So began the process of going doctor to doctor and being treated like a moron and hysteric. Finally in late 2000 a rheumatologist gave me the diagnosis and the grim reality of "no cure or treatment ... just mange the symptoms". Fortunately, at that time I was married and was not working so I had some time to start to adjust to the life changing illness I was dealing with. I have read many opinions of why you get this. I fit all all the possibilities: viral infections(Epstein Barr high active titers on every blood test),some type of illness(viral) while visiting the Mid East in 1997, trauma (rollover MVA 1998), history of anxiety and depression. So, who knows? Really doesn't matter, does it? Anyway, tried all the meds, no reason to list them, you know the ones. No help, just swelled me up and made me more miserable. Neuronton did something to my thought processes that has never corrected itself. I took low doses of it for about 3 months and it made me someone I didn't know or like. I'd forget where I was and would have to pull my car to the side of the road and try to retrace my steps and thoughts on where I was going. Due to finances and a great job opportunity in 2001 I re-entered the work force in an administrative role and it almost took me down the first two years. I have learned to manage a full time job and this freaking chronic illness and continue to work at this point. But I have days(most days) that I don't know if I can keep doing it.. I am very fortunate to have the ability to sit the majority of the day and work at my own pace. If I had a job that I had to be physically productive or stand/walk eight hours I would have to stop working and try to file for disability. My marriage ended after 25 years and I'm the woman/man of the house now... so staying home is not an option unless I file for disability, sell my house and downsize to a little apartment. That does not work well for me due to my family of animals. Anyway, I digress. This life sucks, as you know if you are also in this growing sisterhood ( and some brothers)you do the best you can hour to hour and day to day. Your old life is dead and gone. But if you are like me you continue to attempt resuscitation occasionally. If you have that one good day, you inevitably over do it and then crash like a runaway train. I'm not telling anyone anything new... I have no words of wisdom or encouragement. I'm out of the denial and "oh this surely will end some day" phase and have accepted the condition. I have accepted my limitations. I say "no" a lot, or I did. No one asks me to do anything anymore, they know my answer already. I have been single for six years and do not date or have any interest in another relationship. I'm already in a toxic relationship with the most controlling, abusive and isolating partner a gal could have: Fibromyalgia and Chronic Fatigue. I wish i could get another divorce.....
Tuesday, February 5, 2013
I suppose all things considered I am doing very well. Almost four years ago I pleaded and begged God for more time with Sheila when she got her dire Cancer prognosis. The deal was if I could have her a little longer I would be gracious and accepting when the time came later. I had lost so much at that time I didnt think I would survive it. He agreed. I am struggling to keep my end of the bargain, as we humans have a tendency to do. But I have been dry eyed all day, putting away her bed, bowls and toys. I have ordered her a beautiful wooden urn with the Rainbow Bridge poem engraved on the front. I try not to look at her chair (she had her own recliner). She claimed the ex -spouse's chair when he ran off with our neighbor and his fellow employee firefighter after 25 years of marriage. Ain't love grand? More on that later, another casualty of a relationship when suffering from Fibro and Chronic Fatigue and a dose of fireman hose syndrome-it's hell on marriage stats. I'm so tired..I am fortunate to occasionally work from home. Today was one of those days. My eyes were so swollen I looked like I was having an allergic reaction. Tomorrow, God willing, I will return to work . A stressful event like this knocks us "F word" people on our tails for a few days. My bed is calling..and I shall answer.
Monday, February 4, 2013
Sunday, February 3, 2013
It is days such as these that being single and a social cripple aren't so bad... No offense to football enthusiasts but thank you, no. I am however a complete Walking Dead Head. Currently, the full season one is showing on AMC. Couldn't sleep last night (imagine that with the F word) and worked a little on my blog page. Total newbie and hope to fine tune the look and templates when I feel like it. Today is a sad day for me as I watch my faithful canine child of 13 years suffer her second seizure in 4 days. No history , but a history of cancer diagnosis in 2009. They told me then she would be dead within months without chemo, which i refused. I put her on two cups of decaf green tea and high levels of fish oil every day of her life. We will go to the vet this week because we had a little incident with carbon monoxide two weeks ago and I have a feeling this might be related. Being a 911 worker, I recognized the symptoms in myself when I turned on gas logs that had not been used in two years in a power outage. Sheila, my sweetie started panting and circling and went to the door scratching to get out. She never has done that in 13 years. Suddenly, I felt weird and sudden onset headache...OMG CARBON MONOXIDE.. I rushed and turned off the gas, gathered my clan of dogs (3) and we sat outside in the falling snows of the Smokies deep breathing. Yes, I probably should have called and got some O2, but I caught it within minutes and opened all my doors to ventilate. Now my next deadly sin...since I had not used the logs in years, the battery in my carbon monoxide detector was dead. Yes, I know. I of all people should have known better...but I'm worried she may have residual damage. I feel so bad all the time I wouldn't know if I felt worse in anyway...so tired today and dreading the grind of my high stress job. I def got the Sunday evening back to work tomorrow blues.
Saturday, February 2, 2013
Why I am I doing this... I'm so tired everyday that even taking on another task as simple as typing seems ridiculous, but I came across a quote from a blog via Pinterest by +Girl Interrupted that was so heart breaking and so mirrored my own life that it inspired me. I wondered the age of this person... she has wisdom of the ages and the voice of a poet. Why are so many people suffering from this life changing condition? Why are we treated as lunatics? Why do I eat so much Ice Cream? It's late for me, almost eight pm- my new normal bedtime for the past two years. If I get too fired up over my "life partner" I won't sleep. Fellow sufferers will understand... more later... I think I'm going to like this!