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Sunday, October 12, 2014

LODGED by Robert Frost

            Wow... this is the most precise description of living with a chronic illness I have ever read.

 Lodged. A word that describes so many of our lives that have Fibromyalgia, POTS, MS or any of the other progressive thieves of your body and soul. You are caught somewhere between the land of the living and the land of the dead. I suppose it is the Shadow Land.... a place of near invisibility yet you still live and breath. A place of deep sorrow for the mourning of the life you once lived both in body and spirit. But there is no memorial for your loss, no casseroles to sooth the aching hunger and no accolades or eulogy for the person who you once were.  The place of eventual rock bottom, acceptance and grace. A place of being unrecognizable to yourself. 
 Lodged. A word impossible for your friends, family and coworkers to truly understand. "Just get out and walk a little and you will feel better". Oh if it were only that easy. Would I cocoon myself into a web of despair, loneliness and isolation if all it took was a little walk?
Lodged. A place to heal the new you that must rise from the Shadows and meet each day because you have no other choice. You may have children or a job that doesn't understand being Lodged. The new you functions one hour, one day at a time. After the pelting and pushing of the life forces and the responsibility  around you, eventually the sun will shine and pull you a little at a time toward its warmth and soothing touch. You may even join the land of the living for a day or so. But inevitably, the wind and rain will soon pelt you again. So you rejoice in those small time frames when you catch that glimpse of the true self that visits for a short period.

As you can tell from the above purging of emotions, this past summer has been particularly difficult for me. I realized I haven't posted on my Blog for months, simply because the thought of the purge was too overwhelming and tiring to consider. It exhausts me to write, and yet it revives me. A conundrum for sure.
The summer began with a breast cancer scare and the beginning of a major flare in my symptoms. A routine mammogram revealed a change in tissue in the exact spot where my mom had her breast cancer. It began a month long series of more films, ultrasounds and finally in July the biopsy. I am thankful to report it was negative, but the stress of it all knocked me to my knees. Lodged.  I am still trying to pull myself back up from that event. I continued to work every day during the flare. I know I should not push myself like I do, buy I don't want this guy at my door: