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Thursday, May 2, 2013

Arise O' Sleeper

My sister tells me I am too open with my emotions on this blog. That is probably true. Writing is very cathartic to me and I have a lot of demons to exercise via the written word.
All Gods children have trouble. Even if you do not consider yourself a child of God , I'm sure you have had your very own tsunami that ripped your world apart. I have had several.  Too many.  Betrayal by those you loved and trusted the most ranks up there with the life changers. That one that makes you the person you never thought you would ever be. I absolutely hate the quote "whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger" Really?  There may be some truth to that , let me assure you it may make you stronger but on the flip side most people will find it has also made them bitter, unable to trust again and cynical as hell. Self preservation baby... you don't want that to happen again. I went through a divorce that I thought I could not make it through - my husband of 25 years starts affair  with co-worker who is the age of our daughters. Add to that he is the chaplain for the fire department where he worked and her supervisor. Last but certainly not least, she and her husband lived next door. Nope , not kidding.  I fed her, became her friend and POW right in the kisser. Honestly, I was much more angry at him than her... I often said if I saw the two drowning and had one life preserver I would toss it to her. This is probably too much info, but suffice it to say after two miserable years of divorce proceedings, mediation, yada yada yada it was finally over. It was a struggle to rise from the mire of my own brokenheart and re-invent my life. I had so much anger. If you have been there you know the continuing banner that scrolls through your mind : how could he do this after all these years together? How could I have been (chose to be) so blind? Oh my God- I'm sick with a chronic illness and alone! How will I pay the bills and take care of everything?.... and on and on and on.  My biggest regret is the absolute feeling of having no closure. One day we were and the next we were not.... and we never discussed the situation or the end of the book. Boom went the dynamite one night and he was just gone. It was like he died but his ghost image was still here for me to see around town and since we both worked in emergency services, hear his voice over the radio.. a dead man talking. It has been seven years and I am to the point where it is just another day and they are just an afterthought.  I have bigger fish to fry with this new diagnosis of hPOTS. Now I would pull them both out of the stormy sea if they were drowning, so I guess that is a good sign of Gods healing power.

I tell you this because someone I love very much is in a very bad place. Crushed by the  betrayal of her husband of over 30 years and trying to get her footing after the monster wave overwhelmed her. I cannot help her. Her children and friends cannot help her. This is a valley you walk alone with the most High. It is treacherous,hard and rocky place. A place where you stumble often, but must get back up and find your footing. It is the proverbial one day at a time place. She is facing a mighty battle, but I know she can do it. Right now she is struggling to believe that "this too will pass" and I understand her thought process completely. There may be someone reading this right now that has just been floored with a truth that they are  struggling to accept about someone they love and trust. It's a horrible thing, but ladies (and gents) you will survive. I don't want to break into a Gloria Gaynor song, but you will because you must. Only someone who has walked the walk can tell you the truth about all the pain, loneliness and  second guessing yourself  you will do. Your mind is your worst enemy when you are in this place. Negative thoughts bombard you like a hail of bullets, determined to slaughter your peace and sanity . I found solace in the word of God , particularly the book of Psalms. I had a small book with several verses and when I was about to break bad and do something I would regret, I would read and meditate on the Word. I also ate a lot of ice cream.

It is hard to imagine when you are battling these giants that a better day will dawn. But you will come to a place when you look back and wonder how and why you endured what you did, for as long as you did . Most of us stay because the hardest thing in the world to do is to make a conscious decision to be alone. The very thought strikes fear in the heart of our core self. We are pack creations. We thrive in the company of others. I have accepted and embraced my alone lifestyle, maybe even a little too much. If you have fibro, chronic fatigue, hPOTS AND a full time job you pretty much have a relationship with your bed and recliner. I attempted the dating scene and honestly all I could think of was "damn, I wish I was home in my PJ's"  instead I was  pretending to be a proper lady and smiling and nodding at the old fart.  But I did get a good meal and a box of chocolates from my  Prince Charming who arrived  in his silver mini van with the side crashed in where he had fell asleep at the wheel. Swear to God, true story- you can't make this stuff up.
The only way I can make it in this world is humor...If you are in the dark place of betrayal,heartbreak and that old devil fear, I implore you to light a candle and curse the darkness!!  You are more than a conqueror sister.