AS SEEN ON TV or There's a sucker born every minute

Everyone has their Achilles Heel... mine  is buying the silliest things possible off of the TV infomercials or from specialty magazines .  I cannot imagine how many items I have purchased in the last 25 years or so. I thought it would be fun to share some of them and my experiences with the gadgets. Few are awesome , most are junk and some are just ludicrous.
 I remember the first advertising that lured me in was when I was a young child. Back then I searched the back pages of  True Story  for amazing ad purchases , such as x-ray glasses.  The picture was a kid with big black glasses with swirling circles as lens. I so wanted to see the bones of my friends and family. But the real desire was for the exotic Sea Monkeys... Never had such creatures been sighted on Tunis Creek.

My yearning for Sea Monkeys continued until my cousin Pat went to New York City on her senior trip and brought me back a pack.  Mom got me a mason jar of water and we followed the directions carefully. Each morning I would get up and check the jar. It was beginning to get smelly and once I thought I saw a wormy looking creature. Each day I searched for the little family pictured on the box.  After many tears and a tantrum, my mom threw out the stagnant mess and I felt a terrible guilt that my Sea Monkeys failed to thrive.

As the years passed the fitness craze began in the 80's. Soon I was watching this guy scream and tell me how badly I need this:

While I am on the subject of exercise equipment, I might as well show you the gallery . If you can sit, bounce, roll or push/pull it, I have tried it. Here are some of the highlights:

The Fluidity Bar...absolutely in the top 5 most ridiculous purchases of my life. I had insomnia and a credit card. Not a good combo at 3 a.m. It was only 4 easy payments and it should have changed my life, instead it looked like this:

I tried to put my leg up on the bar once, screamed in pain from my sciatic  and had to use this previous purchase:

Of all the exercise and health related purchases I have , I must say the best  and the one I use the most is the Crazy Fitness Vibrating Machine. 

I figured if it was good enough for astronauts in training, I certainly would give it a whirl or a shake in this situation. When it was delivered and left on the porch I could barely lift one side of the box at a time. I was thankful I had purchased these:

Back to the whole body vibration therapy, it is very effective when I use it regularly. As with most things that actually help, I quit.  I need to get back to using it. All you have to do is stand for 10 minutes at a time, easier said than done for someone with dysautonomia.  One thing that is hilarious is that the machine is made in China and has some instructions imprinted on the control panel on the hand hold area. Here is the actual picture of the instructions:

          I swear this is a photo of the actual instructions... sometimes the humor gods just smile on you. In addition to the above items, I currently have a Pilates Performer (QVC), Recumbent Bike (Overstock) and this fan favorite:

 Now for the low end items from As Seen On TV- Let's begin with Health and Beauty. As most women, I constantly look for the latest and greatest for your hair. Here are some purchases:

Bumpits- To give your hair that full and bouncy look:

How I actually looked:

Hot Buns: 

Reality, not so hot:

Sometimes the name of an item can make or break the invention. The epic fail award :

 For those of us who really hate bending over to wash our feet:

Epic Fail:  If you think hair clings to the drain wait till you see these nasty things after a few showers.

For when it is hitting the fan, may I suggest :

And if you need Shittens,  first you will need:

I really don't enjoy shopping. I know that sounds unbelievable given the nature of this blog. But I  hate to shop. I wear the same clothes until they eventually come back in style. I hate shoes in general. I have three purses to my name and they are not designer. I do my very limited Christmas shopping online and I haven't been to a shopping mall in probably 10 years. But I can't resist the impulse buys at Walgreens. I am beginning to wonder if they are affiliated with the Devil. It was the same way when I use to go to Sam's Club over 20 years ago. I would go to "save money" and leave with a rolling cart full of items over $300 every time. I swear I think these places play some kind of subliminal message in the Muzak. Maybe they use this guy:

TRUST IN ME, ONLY ME........

You turn into a robotic idiot that must have that 32 oz can of Tuna.
I knew I was really in trouble when I walked down an isle in Walgreens and I activated a motion sensor that began the following recorded message, " Are you tired of lugging out that heavy pressure washer every time you need to clean a small area?"  I recall staring at the video and  answering  "Yes, I am".  Soon I left the store with my blood pressure meds and this:

and on the subject of hoses, doesn't everyone need to always have a hose in their pocket?
I think so:

Is that a hose in your pocket or are you just glad to see me?

Anytime I can buy something with lights I am especially giddy, for example:

 

And my all time personal favorite:

Also these are pretty cool:

Kinda reminds me of this poor black child raised in the south, Neven Johnson's invention:

The Opti-Grab Glasses

Here are a few Pet purchases over the years:

No they don't, they pee where ever they damn well please.

Just lean a commode brush up against the wall.....same thing

May I suggest a paper bag or an empty box.....

 I just spent several hundred dollars on doggie dental care...I haven't been to the dentist in 2 years.


Now for some of the lovely clothing attire you can't live without:

Soon you will be:

And If you are alone you can take yourself on a picnic:

 

And if it is "All about that Bass":

Just make sure you don't POP too much and have this tragedy happen to you:

Check your crack and check it often..Wilford Brimley

              As for the Home and Garden purchases, there are so many I couldn't post them all.You name it, I    probably have it or have sent it to the dumpster. 

I have put myself on a strict budget and I am doing better on the impulse buying . No I'm not, that's a lie.

 My latest purchase is this:

Retro phone receiver

Actually , I love these. I got one for my car, office and home. It suppose to block 99% of radiation from the cell phone and your face doesn't get hot. It's much easier to hold and I don't get a crick in my neck which requires me to wear this purchase:

In closing, I must tell you about possibly the most outrageous purchase of the past few months. EBay, Amazon and Nomorerack are not my friends. The long nights of winter find me searching away for anything and everything.  One evening on EBay I saw something I have always wanted...now it would have been much better had I purchased them 40 pounds and 40 years earlier. Clogging shoes...

I also found this:

Eagerly I waited for the weekend so I could gear up and have my first lesson. I set my Nitro's out just in case and had my cell phone nearby and the door was unlocked in case first responders needed to make entry.

I also had a captive audience as I DANCED LIKE NO ONE WAS WATCHING.. but they were:

Soon, very soon, I realized this was a mistake of monumental proportions... my sciatica screamed in horror as did my ruptured disc. My face was red as a beet and my heart was throbbing in my eyeballs. The Orange Blossom Special spun on an old  33 vinyl and I made my way to the recliner. I lasted less than 5 minutes. 

The next day I could barely get out of bed. Finally, after being on 2 heating pads for a few hours, I was able to get down to the floor to use this purchase from Hammacher Schlemmer:

 It is wonderful, you lay and use a ratchet on the side to pull your vertebra apart to ease the pain. I must give it a big thumbs up. It is the same principle as the hanging inversion table but without the risk of being found hanging unconscious  like Grandpa on the Munsters. 

So as I sit here this evening comfortably on my:

and wearing my :

      I will dream of spring days so that I can plant my:

SINGLES AWARENESS DAY IS HERE AGAIN

One of my favorite holidays as a child was Valentines Day. At school we had a card board box covered with construction paper and cut out hearts, much like the one above. Valentines were a big deal back in those days. The selection was minimal and lots of kids had the same ones, since our shopping areas were limited.
This was the time when you took that first step toward "love". None of us were quite sure what love was all about , but we knew that on that one day some of the boys smelled a little better and their hair was carefully combed. We always gave everyone in the class a Valentine. You were just very careful not to give the chronic booger picker the following:

We would spend the day before the party cutting out hearts and making banners for the classroom. The night before was spent at home carefully finding the perfectly worded Valentine for that special one. If you were lucky your mom would get you some of candy hearts with all the right words that you couldn't bear your shy tongue to say.
You would put one in the little envelope and covertly watch as he opened his card. Hopefully, he would smile or in some cases come over and hit you on the head as in an ape- like gesture of "yeah, me too". What a great and innocent rite of passage. I don't know if they still have the Valentine Box and give out candy. It probably is no longer politically correct and I suppose this year the must have Valentines are Fifty Shades of Grey themed... I can see it now, tiny candies with  TIE ME UP, SPANK ME and CUFF ME stamped into them.

As we got older and non the wiser, we began to have our eyes opened to the pressure and social expectations on Valentines Day.  No longer are we happy with tiny candy hearts. High school age girls now regularly get floral deliveries of roses and balloons from sweet hearts and from their parents to the school. I suppose we will forever be a society of  the haves and the have nots. I just feel bad for the invisible girls, it is so hard at that age the best you can do.

Soon the illusions of  romance come to fruition and you realize that that cute little winged cupid now looks similar to this:

And on this note I want to say something to the men. Never ever believe your wife or girlfriend doesn't want a Valentine gift. That is one of the biggest falsities your significant other will ever tell you. If  she says "Let's don't get each other anything this Valentines Day"  DO NOT believe for a minute you are getting ready to slide on this one... a woman always wants something special on Valentines Day. She will wait all day on that surprise gift and if it doesn't materialize, it's going to be a frosty night.   Trust me , I know.  A little romance and thoughtfulness goes a long way in preventing you from being Fifty Shades of Black and Blue.  Now ladies I think you will appreciate the following:

   

          This is classic and probably more true than we would like to admit:

Many moons have passed since the excitement of the Valentine Box.  Now the TV is constantly bombarding us with someone going to Jerrods or God forbid every kiss begins with Kays. I thought I was pretty open minded but I really get annoyed with this:

As yet another Valentines Days comes and goes, I will be blissfully unaware of the traffic, stress and long lines at all area restaurants. 
I have purchased my own Valentine and this is how I will celebrate tomorrow night:

HOME FOR THE HOLIDAYS...THE FIRST 48

It has been a very long year since I have seen my daughter Courtney and my son-in-law Beau. They came rolling into town Friday the 26th after a visit with Beau's family outside Chicago. It took a little longer than expected when they drove up to a major mile long traffic jam on I-40 at the good old 407 exit. For those of you not local, that is the main interstate exit to the gateway to the Great Smoky Mountains. You still have about 20 miles to go before our house from the exit.  This is not where you want to be on the Friday after Christmas... so with some local road knowledge they detoured around the car loads of worn out tourists who come to our area for New Years Eve and skiing if it is cold enough. What they have found this season is 50 degree weather, mud and way too many people with the same illusion of snow covered pines. Speaking of illusions, I myself patiently watched for the kids all evening. The pot roast was on the warmer , cornbread ready to be placed in the oven and Courtneys favorite comfort food simmering on the stove: Soupy Taters. What is that you yanks might ask ? Potato soup.
In my mind, I had this scene from one of my favorite Americana artists Norman Rockwell:

Now the ride from Illinois had been a long one for the kids and the two dogs. Traffic was heavy the whole way and they had to stop several times for the dogs to walk/pee. Well , for Roy anyway, Sue  the newest pooper, is an absolutely beautiful white lab. She is around nine months and decided she would have a stand off with her bladder and refused to pee all day. Roy is not feeling well and he is just a sweetie that I have written aboout before in a previouos post titled "The Joy of Roy".
As I saw them pull into the driveway I went out with open arms to welcome my brood.  I guess I should have really given more thought to how my animals were going to react to two strange dogs joining the Holiday party. My dogs and cats are ass holes. They are much like their owner. Loners, socially awkward and definitely on a structured routine.
Soon my Norman Rockwell Christmas took  a dark turn. Up the steps flew Sue and Roy and I let my guys in the back door. This is what it looked like:

Two cats running, hissing and brandishing twenty tiny switchblades across noses. Pappy, my old pretty much blind/deaf foster Whippet simply decided, even though he is house broken, to let the river flow in the middle of the living room rug. All I could think of was this classic line of great literature:

My two Toy Fox Terriers , who weigh about 7 pounds each were both making snarliing sounds that honestly could have been mistaken for weed-eaters being revved up and down. Dracula would have envied the display of fangs. I got my first bite that evening but it didn't break the skin. To truly appreciate the traditional Christmas animal bite, alllow me tell you a little story.
On Christmas Day 2009 I was bitten by a feral cat. Note to self and others: Do Not reach into a cat fight and try to put them in their perspective corners. It does not work. So the next day I was on antibiotics and had a tetanus shot. I hoped for the best after reading the stats on rabies and cat bites. The next Christmas , Courtney was home from Idaho and we again dreamed of a  perfect white Christmas Day.  On Christmas Eve it snowed and it was a gorgeous blue sky with fresh snow kinda day. It was only she and I and we were very happy, almost living the dream. I had a Paula Deen spiral cut honey ham and all the fixins. Then I saw it...outside sitting in the snow was the most beautiful solid black huge dog that appeared to be a shepherd or a wolf mix. I guess its obvious to most folks that read this blog that I love dogs. I grabbed a chunk of ham and slipped on my snow boots. I was wearing flannel Christmas patterned  pajamas. Much like Ralphie when he ran into the snow with his cold steel blue beauty. Now I have no fear of any dog. I recall that Courtney said "Mom don't go out there". Of Course I paid no heed...as I approached the dog that I did not recognize as a neighborhood dog I suppose he smelled the slice of  Paula Deen ham. I had just lifted my hand and said "come on boy , you hungry?", when the dog lunged through the air and snapped the ham and most of the skin and nail off my index and middle finger...OH MY GOD I'M DOG BIT!
 ( OH MY GOD I SHOT MY EYE OUT!).

Once again I was running through the snow in my flannel pajamas (there seems to be a theme here). My hand was on fire. I had it raised up and was applying pressure due to the bleeding. The pristine Christmas snow was spattered with red polka dots as the big black dog had his Holiday meal.
I couldn't take a change on this dog with the rabies issue, so a full scale search was on to find the owner. Our little community fire and police department both looked until they saw him trotting home, burping honey baked ham I suppose,  and followed him to his owners. He didn't mean to bite me and it was my fault completely for holding up the ham. The owners had his shot records so all was well since I had gotten a tetanus shot the year before. Folks, you cant make this stuff up.
Now back to the present, it is a running joke in our family about me staying away from all animals on Christmas Day.  As the kids ate their tater soup, the animals all snarled, foamed at the mouth and totally showed their arses. Mine, not Roy or Sue. They just looked horrified. They are cool obedient Colorado dogs who I am sure have only heard urban legends of hillbilly hounds. My guys were out of control so I did the only thing I know to do when things get rough. Go to bed. On Saturday morning around 4:30 the chorus of  bad to the bone started again, when poor excited and over stressed Sue decided to give up the 24 hour bladder standoff upstairs in the bedroom floor. So Courtney and I were up and letting them all have at it again. By mid morning we decided to take down the Christmas lights and place these on the tree:

I made it until about 1pm today before I received the traditional holiday animal bite. Pippa, lunging for Sue's nose, missed and got my fore-arm. Ouch, damnit!!!  My little dogs have placed themselves in my lap in the recliner. It looks and sounds like the hounds of hell guarding the entrance to Hades, my own Cerebus.

 At the moment the kids have escaped the chaos and are with friends watching a football game. I have thrown all the dogs outside  into the fenced in yard and told them to work out their issues. I have no idea where the cats are hidden... they can fend for themselves.

 Happy New Year from the animal house!

POTS and Plans....

I should know by now that I cannot make any type of plans with this illness. POTS (Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome, try saying that three times fast), is a bugger. It is an autonomic nervous system condition in which the body fails to properly regulate the pulse rate, blood pressure and various other vital components of  functioning upon standing. I have the sub type Hyperandrenergic. This means instead of a drop in BP, I get an increasing BP and heart rate the longer I stand and I produce way too much adrenalin which has lead to adrenal fatigue. Therefore, I recline  - a lot. Today is one of those days as I am reclined, home from work on a sick day. I have two new employees to train and had planned  hoped to start that today, but as I have said before Man Plans, God Smiles. My heroes are the young women( this usually is the case, but not always) who have this condition and they are in the prime of their life and have young children, family obligations or are in school. I don't know how they do it. I slept from 8p-8a this morning and struggled to get out of the bed today I was so exhausted. 

I love this, only when you have a love affair with a memory foam mattress do you really get it.  I get it, much like I suspect my dear departed Granny did as well. They're days I do give up on and just go to sleep hoping for the light of a clear blue morning.  The Granny Bed, a place of total surrender were the only Fifty Shades of Grey are on my pillow.
 I'm trying to get myself recharged a little for the holiday season.  I plugged in the fiber optic tree and the plastic Santa, so I'm good to go on decorations. I have not given in to the lure of the chocolate covered cherries yet. I'm sure I will, it's just a matter of time and the right stressor... I'm trying really hard not to get the Seasonal Blues this year.  Actually, I have been looking forward to the colder weather. I have been hot for two years now with no end in sight. My poor co-workers/employees look like Bob Cratchit huddled around a single lump of coal, bundled in sweaters as I scream "Did that *&*#  heat just click on?" I expect a visitation from three ghosts any night now. At home my heat never goes above 62 in the day and I turn it to in the 50's at night. That is one good thing about living alone, total control of the thermostat and the remote. My poor fur babies might disagree, they really wish mom would get on some hormones....